Not In The Mood For Superficial Relationships? – Then Avoid These Errors
For many people, love is nothing more than a game. A form of entertainment in which the feelings of another – for them – have no intrinsic value. From this ego-centered point of view, manipulation is always lurking. Sooner or later, this selfish impulse will herald the end of the relationship. For whoever treats someone, or even each other, deliberately opportunistically, knows that such impersonal, indifferent intercourse is untenable. Those who juggle licentiously with several lovers are bound to burn their fingers. Because that’s the reality of superficial relationships: mutual disenchantment.
Perhaps it’s fear of commitment, or fear of the demands of a serious relationship, that almost pre- loads our romantic relationships with biting instability from within. No matter how hard we try, building a reliable bond seems too much to ask. This undermining behavior ends relationships before they even begin. That is why it is all the more relevant not to fall into the following pitfalls.
Refusing to adequately define your relationship
While it’s true that labels can encapsulate and constrict you psychologically, it’s still important—for two people who enjoy being together regularly—to call their intimate, mutual contact by name. If you refuse to label your relationship, both parties run the risk of feeling (mentally) lost and confused. Are we now, in the classic sense, boyfriend and girlfriend? Or are we ‘friends with extras’ ?
It’s not fair to leave your partner (to be) in the dark, to let your actions and reactions supposedly speak for themselves . After all, he (or she) should know whether he (or she) is free to see and meet other potential courtship candidates, and whether this is – in contrast – undesirable, because your voyage of discovery towards a formal, exclusive, sustainable relationship has just started. You may not, for the benefit of both camps, leave such a thing vague, unspoken, and in the middle.
This implicit closeness, the tendency to keep your mouth shut, makes it appear as if you are extremely apprehensive of a mature, full-fledged commitment, and of the obligations, expectations, and responsibilities that come with it. However, scrupulously avoiding any conversation about this is not the solution – all kinds of false assumptions can, after all, arise and subsequently cause many more disastrous problems.
You only look for their company, when you want or need something from them
Our fellow human beings have (subtle) feelings – we should never treat them as passive, inanimate objects. They do not exist simply to satisfy our needs (at the moment). And whoever tries to put another into his cart in such an exploitative way abuses his benevolence, or naivety.
No one likes to be used by someone else. Have you ever been guilty of it? Have you ever (willfully) ignored someone, until you – at some point – happened to need him or her again, or for something ? This kind of (a)social imbalance soon becomes mutually degrading, affects the victim’s self-confidence and contributes, consciously or unconsciously, to the development of an inferiority complex in him or her.
A lot of people, partly willingly, like a member doll, allow themselves to be cheated and restrained. They meekly revel in their low self-esteem, and in their emotional dependence. But you deserve, in love, more than that. Never settle for abuse, and don’t allow it. Set a good example: love yourself, so that others see that you are not (any longer) exploited. Realize, and remember, that you are not a human utensil, but a unique, autonomous individual.
You say the opposite of what you think
When the ‘ friendship with extras ‘ phenomenon became a trend, a lot of people were initially wildly enthusiastic, or at least very excited – just at the prospect. But you may wonder if, deep in their hearts, they were really looking for such an uncommitted relationship. Perhaps they were previously caught up in the trap of their own fleeting desire, while still secretly dreaming about their romantic prince(ss) on the white horse. The hype gave them solace from the (also extreme) traditional notion that love is a perpetual fairy tale: ‘…and they lived happily ever after.’ Their reality was caught between two extremes.
A relationship without boundaries runs the risk of becoming one big game. During the proverbial ‘honeymoon period’ (whether you get married or not), in the frolicking initial phase, it is probably still fun, exciting and stimulating. But this relative non-commitment can make the relationship im- and explode, even accidentally. What initially appears to be harmless flirting and teasing—for example, who, when, and why sends the first or last text message—can slowly degenerate into a grueling power struggle.
The melancholy truth is that – today – relationships have become incredibly fragile. Either because our understanding of interpersonal intimacy has changed, or because we have prematurely destroyed old conceptions and have been unable to create a new concept of what love could, may, should, or should be.
In this article we have criticized the lack of communication, between partners, and warned you both for and against the use of labels. Nevertheless, don’t be allergic to discussing your romantic “status” and “territory” without hesitation, for every ounce of shadowy and fuzziness in this area is guaranteed to have repercussions in the form of confusion, and reproach afterwards. We usually know pretty well what we don’t want, but less so what we do, and warmly welcome. To what extent we are prepared to make compromises, and about what exactly, often remains a mystery to us.
Giving each other space in a relationship out of unclaimed affection can represent a healthy sense of freedom. But letting the other fall indifferently into a contact vacuum, or void, merely leads to romantic turbulence and emotional disillusionment. As a society, and as humans, we need to think carefully about this subtle dividing line, always finding the right, inherently beneficial balance.
